Will anyone review my story?

If you could, I would very much appreciate it. I would like to know what people think of my writing. Here goes:

There was a warm breeze; even when I stepped off the plane and into Maui Kapalua international. My stomach was somehow connected to my head in the sense of overwhelm. It was so weird; yesterday I stood next to a rabbi in a flowing white dress and Jon smashed a cup, whereas the crowd yelled "L'Chayim!". We danced and drank and I remember being pulled up in a chair next to him. It was wonderful. I remember getting home and wanting him so much but knew I would have him for myself tomorrow night. It was longing. Jon squeezed my hand as we rode down the escalator to baggage claim where our bags rode an escalator themselves. It was a silence; but not the bad kind. It was the kind of silence that you knew would be eventually broken by something wonderful. We walked outside to the humid tropical air. Jon was on his cell phone talking to the taxi company.

“Damn taxi,” Jon cursed. He shook his head in the frustrated funny way.

I laughed.

After thirty Hawaiian minutes, the taxi finally came and drove us to the Grand Wailea Resort and Spa. There was a large fountain in front of the granite brick fancy country club looking building. We checked in at a large lobby with quite a few palm trees and a large golden desk where a muscular Polynesian man sat. I followed Jon down the hall, up the elevator to the floor with all the suites. He slid the card in the slider and held my breath waiting for the door to click open. It didn’t work.

“Seriously?” Jon said.

I laughed at his annoyance. “Here, let me try.”

I slid the card in and of course, the door clicked open. Jon carefully opened the door to our honeymoon suite. I stared in absolute shock at the suite that was filled with vanilla-jasmine scented candles surround the entire kitchen and living room. I dropped my bag in astonishment. All of the sudden soft slow music came on.

Jon smiled. “Do you like it?”

I was too shocked. I walked into the bedroom where a window pained the view of the moon over the Pacific Ocean; and there a king-sized lay. Red rose petals lay on the bed in the shape of a heart. In the middle was a letter. I picked it up –hands shaking- and began to read:

Mrs. Graft-

It's finally here. I wouldn’t

want to be anyone else but my gorgeous

flawless wife. Let the rest of our lives

begin now.

Jon



“What do you think?” Jon asked.

I slowly walked over slowly and silently. I paused for a moment and then kissed him. Kissed him in the most passionate way you could think of -legs around his waist, arms around him- and it began. I pulled off his shirt as he took off mine and landed on the bed in doing so. I could feel the moon rays laying there watching with knowing eyes at me and Jon; destiny. The sudden nervous feel melted into passion and desire. I couldn’t take my arms off of him; emotions towered over my physical being. I couldn’t stop finding the strongest way to show how much I loved him- something he would never know. His scent was irresistible; something mixed with lemon and pine trees. It happened then, the moon rays dancing, the waves crashing, the warm breeze sighed off somewhere, where Jon let in. It was a pain at first –one that didn’t hurt- but as it continued pleasure and loud moans took over. It was excruciating, like two paths had crossed and were paved into a single one. It ended and we lay there gasping for air. I didn’t want it to stop. We gazed there at each other like two people who had just been told a big exciting secret. I was a neon-lit sign ready and alive as anything. I then perched my head on his defined shoulder and whispered:

“I love you.”

Will anyone review my story?
You should be careful about the cultural stuff, not everyone will understand what you mean. I had to read the almost the entire thing before I realized that the first paragraph was talking about a wedding. I would suggest that you use the word marriage/married/wedding somewhere.



Your grammar could be a lot better. For example, in the letter I think you mean "I wouldn't want to be [with] anyone but my gorgeous, flawless wife." It's good that you're using a lot of interesting punctuation, but you're using some of it wrong. It would help a lot if you could find someone to proof-read your work.



I liked the story overall. Maybe not appropriate for Yahoo Answers. :D
It was all right... a little choppy at times, but you could easily fix it :DWill anyone review my story?
I liked it! :]

Of course you could edit a few parts, but otherwise it was great.
i liked it!
it seems a little inconsistent. the whole beginning is very slow-moving with them getting off the plane, her thinking back to earlier, and going to the hotel... and then their suddenly getting it on in a somewhat explicit way. the beginning makes it seem like a decent, pleasant story, but then the sex scene jumps out at the reader like an unwanted pop-up.



both parts were well-written and i enjoyed them separately, but something needs to change. the beginning needs to be sped up or something needs to be implied there, or the ending needs to be slowed down or taken back to the PG level of the beginning.



and when i say "beginning" and "ending" i of course only refer to what you have written. i'm sort of assuming that there is more.



one more thing: what is the "it" that's "finally here"? is that something later explained?
this is great! you're a really talented writer with a good vocabulary ! I have no constructive criticism, just keep up the good work : )



review mine?

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